THE BLACK SHEEP

Every once in a while, I go on a mental rant, where I start thinking about something and I just can’t get it out of my head and I go on and on and on…in my head.

One topic in particular is a job I had a few years back.  I never actually had a career, just worked at office jobs with original titles of Secretary, then Admin. Assistant, and on down the line.  By my 40’s I was an Assistant to the Director, then Director of a multi-specialty group medical practice.  Along the way I had my own business and lots of in between contract jobs.  I can honestly say that each and every one of those positions was fine…no major issues, never fired, always gainfully employed and generally got along well with everyone…. except for one job.  This one job I always felt like I was the Black Sheep of the team.  I’ve wondered why all these years.  I finally figured it out.

I’m currently reading a book by Brene Brown titled Braving the Wilderness.  The subtitle to the book is “The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone.”  You have to read the book to get the full context, however, to give you a heads up, one chapter is titled “Speak Truth to Bullshit.  Be Civil” and therein lies the crux of my issue. 

You see, by the time I made it to this job I had held a director level position and was very used to operating rather independently.  This job was a low-level entry-level position.  It was immediately after I had closed down my business and I just needed to get kick started again.  But it became clear very quickly to me that something was off; and I think it was because I did speak the truth to bullshit, but was always very civil.  Let me give you some examples.

There was the time this manager in our department came to me to give me a project, she wanted me to research finance companies for low interest rates for she and her husband to use in purchasing a new home.  Keep in mind, this had absolutely nothing to do with my employers’ business.  I just looked at her and said, “XXX, I’m pretty sure this is not in my job description, nor is that what XYZ is paying me to do.“ She just walked away.

Another time she tried to strong arm me into purchasing her son’s school candy in a fund-raising event.  I might have done it, but it was the way she presented the purchase that was a major turn off for me and I told her, “No thank you, I have my own charities that I support.”

Another manager cornered me in his office one day and started yelling about an email I had sent him.  He laid into me saying I was yelling at him in the message.  Now the type face was not in all caps, it was just 14 pt instead of 11 pt.  I looked at him and very calmly said, “XXX, you will know if I am yelling at you by the words I choose to write, not by the size of the font.  I use that size because my eyesight it starting to dwindle and I can read it easily.”  Geeze, was he mad. (PS…the topic was totally neutral, nothing to fight about.)

Another manager threatened to write me up for insubordination, because I presented an alternate option (nicely) to a solution she was presenting. 

Another interesting situation was I figured out pretty quickly that there was a ‘mole’ in our department who went secretly to the Vice President of our department to report anything and everything that was going on.  I figured out who it was and tried to keep a low profile. 

I worked there about 13 years.  Once I figured out the dynamics of our department, I did manage to develop relationships with fellow employees who were not so shallow and insecure.  But I think a lot of people never could handle that I didn’t tolerate Bullshit.  I never did ‘fit in’ and while I was never rude, the Bullshitters did come to view me as ‘difficult’.

I doubt very much that I could have withstood the dynamics of this department if I had not been a manager in prior positions, but I had put up with a lot of Bullshit from a very early age. I started working for pay when I was 10 years old, and over the years in addition to my own experience, I had worked with some remarkable managers, who knew how to build teams of ‘true belonging’ (per Ms. Brown) which in turn did not create Bullshit to begin with.

Geeze am I glad I am retired!!!!