Egos

As a Psychology major in college I got to study many writings on the topic of the Ego.  It was interesting reading but at the time I don’t think it really struck a cord with me.  As I’ve grown older and hopefully a little wiser I’ve paid more attention to the Ego over the years and have come to the conclusion that despite the number of characters in the word, it is in fact a ‘four’ letter word. 

Unlike other ‘four’ letter words it is difficult to strike from one’s vocabulary, mainly because as a word you rarely hear it used. However, boy if you are watching you can sure see it in action. 

The Ego causes all kinds of problems.  It causes people to say and do the darndest things.  Most of what we have been witnessing regarding Charlie Sheen is Ego.  All that bravado and bull that he is spouting is symptomatic of an Ego out of control.  The Ego causes us to be prideful when probably we should not.  It pushes us in directions that causes us to hurt others feelings and justify that action in our own heads. 

The Ego according to Freud is what establishes our sense of self.  So, if our sense of self gets out of whack, then the Ego is the loose canon that got it there. 

So why ramble on about the Ego.  Ehhhh I’m pretty sure my Ego got out of whack recently and I pulled my husband right along with me.  A few days ago we got to talking about ‘biscuits and gravy’ as in the breakfast meal.  Seems like an innocent enough topic for a Sunday morning. Not so.  Pete was talking about making biscuits and gravy for breakfast and I just had to make the remark, laughing all the way…that his gravy is terrible!!

This little comment of mine ruined our Sunday morning.  At first I thought Pete was just teasing me with his hurt act.  But he wasn’t.  I had stepped big time on “his sense of self.”  His sense is that he makes terrific gravy and I probably needed to be a little gentler with my comments. 

The fact of the matter is that neither of us makes good gravy…as was proved later that morning.  But the real question of the hour is, why did I need to make the comment and why did Pete have to get so upset by it?  Ego….that nasty four letter word!!! 

Neither of our ‘sense of self’ really revolves around gravy…but that morning if you had been there to witness it, you would have thought that it was everything we both are….Gravy. 

Naw….we as individuals and our marriage are much more than gravy….we just need to teach our Egos this truth.  So the next time we are talking about biscuits and gravy the outcome will be just a little sweeter.

Bonus Moms

I got a huge compliment the other day.  Pete’s ex-wife, Josh and Kate’s Mom, referred to me as their ‘Bonus Mom’.  I love it, so much better than step-mother. 

She told me about the term recently as her step-children refer to her as their ‘Bonus Mom’.  Says a lot for the kind of relationship step-moms can have with their step-children. 

For me, it was always easy.  I knew even before I met Josh and Kate that there were certain boundaries to be cautious of.  Josh and Kate had a Mom and a Dad, they didn’t need another parent.   When I did finally meet them, they seemed to me a little fragile…they had just gone through their parent’s divorce and life was upside down for them.  I saw it. 

But I also saw these two wonderful children who responded really well to love and kindness and fun, so that’s what I went for.  We had them in Cincinnati with us for a week during the holidays and then a month during the summer when they were little.  It’s easy to make those times fun. 

I know that Hillary Clinton’s book, “It Takes A Village” met with some ridicule, but the notion of it takes a village, is not new and in reality it does take a village to raise children.  I do believe in the concept.  I like the notion of children experiencing as many different values, ethics, religions, etc. as possible.  Hopefully they learn ‘tolerance’ as they grow into adults, a sorely needed characteristic from which the entire world could benefit.  Parents who worry that their children will not embrace ‘their’ family values and beliefs need not worry.  If the love and support is there, children may stray a bit in their teen and early adult years, but typically I see them head back to home base when the time is right. 

I was raised by two villages; the Family Village of the Hallsted and Poff family members and the Church Village.  My earliest babysitters were my aunts and sometimes older cousins.  After we moved to Florida and I entered my early teen years, my Church Family came into play in a big way.  Our Presbyterian Church family kept a keen eye on all of us young teens throughout town.  There wasn’t much that any of us could get away with without our parents being notified.  A famous story during that era was of my friends Rick and Lanny who were dating getting stuck in the mud one night while they were ‘parking’ in a private area.  The closest help was a church member.  Oh boy, did the Village step up for that one!!!

So, if being a Bonus Mom means loving and caring for someone else’s children, I’m all for it, it is a term that I now embrace and will use frequently.  The world needs all the love it can get, and so does its children.

Locavore

Learned a new word today…locavore.  Ever since I read “Animal, Vegetable, Miracle” by Barbara Kingsolver I have been paying a little more attention to the movement going on these days of eating locally grown food.  I like the idea a lot….doing it is tough.  And of course the word ‘locavore’ is new coinage for people who eat only locally grown food. 

Being the product of two farming families, farming is in my blood and been a part of my life since conception.  My earliest memories are of romping around the Hallsted and Poff farms with my boatload of cousins.  I knew, at a young age where our food comes from.  I have memories seared into my 5 year-old brain of Grandma Poff breaking chicken necks, hanging them by their necks from a clothes line across the back yard 20 at a time, defeathering them and then butchering them. Nothing romantic about this memory. 

I am continually amazed by how detached our society is regarding their source of food.  You hear weird stories from time to time of someone’s experience at finally realizing where bacon, or pork chops or steaks come from. 

I experienced one of those stories one day driving through the back roads of Kentucky with a friend.  Monique was born and raised in New York City.  She had not traveled much and when she did she tended to gravitate toward other big cities.  On this ride as we were cruising through scenic Kentucky she pointed toward an animal grazing in a field and asked what it was.  Stunned I asked, “Are you serious?”  She was perplexed at my response.  But she was pointing toward a milk cow!  When I explained what it was, she said “Euweee, gross, I’ll never drink milk again!!”  Not sure if she held to that, but really…. a milk cow!!!

So, what’s so great about being a locavore?  Well, buying fresh from your local farmers market is a very fun way to shop, much, much better than Krogers or Publix.  Plus, you are not contributing toward the cost of transportation from Venezuela to Cincinnati with the environmental impact and all that implies.  You know you are supporting your local economy, and not just your local economy, but farmers, who are a huge piece of the backbone of this country who desperately need our support.

Being a true locavore is a very tough thing to do.  I mean giving up my clementines and bananas is almost impossible.  But, in my defense, I do think about this issue and I do strive toward being a locavore.  I’m just not quite there yet. 

Inspiration

Been watching Oprah again.  Today she featured a Mom whose young son suffers from mental illness.  Zak has extreme outbursts of anger that can last for hours.  He has tried to hurt other children and his parents and his situation with age, has become so bad, that the family has to live in two different homes.  She lives with her son in one home and her husband lives with their daughter in another.  I cannot even imagine the stress of their lives.

Off stage, prior to the studio audience, Oprah interviewed the young man on camera.  As always, she is amazing in her interview techniques.  She was able to relate with Zak in a way that he was comfortable and able to respond to her in a beautiful, childlike way.  He is now in a program that is helping him to manage his anger and his understanding of what that means for him and his life was amazing. 

He spoke about the scary voices that speak to him and how they bring darkness.  Then he spoke about how he can pull in the white light to protect him by thinking loving thoughts and remembering that he is loved.  He shared with Oprah how everyone can be protected by the white light and how it brings peace and calmness, which he said the world needs; this from a mentally disturbed child of 10. 

Back on stage with the Mom and audience Oprah commented on how sensitive Zak is.  How he seemed tuned in to the vibrations of his space.  Hmmmm.

I question that diagnosis of mental illness.  I won’t go into details about my beliefs around this child, but it would be interesting to know what becomes of him.  He is now learning how to protect himself from the darkness and how to always protect himself with the white light.  As he matures, he may have a more mature explanation of his reality.  If he does, I would love to learn from him.

His story is beautiful, and an inspiration for a troubled world. 

Joy V

Anyone up with the times has just got to love Facebook.  What a wondrous tool.  As we track down friends using FB we have the opportunity to stay in touch, at least very superficially, with people we might otherwise loose in the hectic pace of our lives.

I learn all kinds of things about my friends that I might not ever know if it weren’t for FB.  This week I learned that a dear friend lost a beloved pet after 19 years of companionship.  Another friend has a clock that counts down the days until Spring.  Then there is my friend Paul F. who just announced his engagement via FB by simply writing “She said YES!”

I’ve known Paul for probably more than 30 years.  Early on we were both heavily involved in a volunteer organization and worked together on many projects.  We had tons of mutual friends and simply put he was a fun, gentle, kind man.  Being a very typical woman I wanted to see him married off.  It always felt like he would be so complete with the right woman.  I think most of his ‘girl’ friends felt the same.

So now he is headed down the path of married life.  It will be a big change for him.  He is approaching 60 (I’m pretty sure) and never been married.  But from the photos he is posting my gut instinct says he has found the right woman.  They look like they belong together.  I don’t know her at all, but Paul will make a wonderful husband.  He will be kind, thoughtful, considerate, gentle….all that stuff.   And she will adore him for it. 

There is a French saying, from the ancient region of Saintonge (no longer in existence) that says….

‘Qui va chap’tit, va loin’ …….He who goes gently goes far.  That’s Paul.

The JOY bubbles are grinning….big time!!